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Mafia Gazette Past Issue 69
The Mafia Gazette Issue 69 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Saturday 24th December 'ABSOLUTELY WICKED AND FRANK SALEMME: THE TRUTH ' Three days ago Made Woman Absolutely-Wicked was gunned down in the very early hours of the morning. Rumours were rife at the time as to who had killed her, but the Gazette has finally uncovered the whole truth to the killing. Absolutely-Wicked was shot and killed by Frank_Salemme for the earlier killing of a friend and because he suspected her of being in league with the Shadow Soldiers, a group who have pledged to remove any “unworthy” leaders from our community. In papers found by his son and handed in to the Gazette, Frank stated that he had his suspicions that Absolutely was taking members of the Shadow Soldiers and arming them, returning them to the community to kill other bosses. Prior to the killing, Frank stepped down as leader of the Cali Cartel, a group originally set up and run by Aphex, with Frank supposedly acting as caretaker while AphexJnr, son of the deceased leader was being groomed to take over once he became Made. He never got the chance as Frank’s antics while in power brought negative attention from the community and shed a very bad light on the original group whose intentions had been more honourable than were being portrayed by Frank. His hiring of Joe_Dalton, he admitted, had been a mistake, with the recruitment posters looking like member-whoring and subsequent conversations descending into name-calling and scuffles in the streets. Frank remained as a high rank long enough to arm himself and kill Absolutely before clearing his rap sheet and returning to the lowly life of crime, ending up a Hoodlum at the time of his death. His “retirement” it would seem was a forced one as people could no longer tolerate his power mad antics, pushing people around and generally dragging the name of the Cali Cartel through the mud. His actions in killing Absolutely led to the demise of others in the Cartel, including AphexJnr who had not reached Made status at the time of Frank’s retirement, another indication of the enforced nature of his step down from the position. Everything that was announced on the streets appeared amicable, however the fact that AphexJnr had not attained Made status speaks volumes for the “retirement.” Frank himself was gunned down by a member of the Shadow Soldiers by the name of Aqua_Man lending a grain of truth to his suspicions that Absolutely was working alongside the Shadow Soldiers. A statement from Relapsed, head of that organisation stated that Absolutely was a friend of his and that he himself ordered the hit on Frank following on from the deaths of Brave and Destruction and knowing that Frank was aiming for Absolutely. The hitter got there too late to save her however, and was himself killed shortly thereafter by another man, supposedly part of the infamous Mystery Men who was intending to join with Absolutely himself. Aqua’s killer spoke to our reporter and said that he had intended to join up with Absolutely to gain rank and re-launch the Mystery Men as a Made crew. There have been rumours that another hit was planned on Absolutely for the same morning. The sum of three and a half million dollars is alleged to have been paid to a hitman by an unknown contractor. The failure of the contract and the subsequent death of Frank left the hitter frustrated by the unfulfilled contract and took it out on the Cali Cartel, we can only assume because he was unaware of Frank’s retirement. There appears to have been a large, complicated issue behind the happenings, but ultimately a Made and Capo both lie dead with a family almost entirely wiped from the streets. 'GAZETTE REPORTER DIES IN MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES ' The Gazette offices were in mourning today as one of our most respected reporters, Randle McMurphy, was gunned down in mysterious circumstances outside the Gazette offices. It was a well-known fact that Mr McMurphy only obtained some of his more famous stories due to his numerous connections with the criminal underworld, and it is not known if it was this element of his life that lead to his untimely demise. Although Randle will be missed deeply, his death did not come as a surprise, due to the numerous attempts on his life since his appeal for information elated to the elusive Mob Boss known only by his alias of Miroslav Vienti. Three attackers had already been fought off by Mr McMurphy’s bodyguards this morning alone, and he had the foresight to put his affairs in order, and provide for his fiancée and son. Although the exact cause of his death was supposed to have been friendly fire from one of his associates, it is unknown whether this was during a gunfight with another of Miroslav Vienti’s thugs, as eye witnesses claim to have seen several skirmishes between the crime Lord’s men and Randle’s bodyguards in the past few days. Appeals are still ongoing for information regarding the true identity of Miroslav Vienti, and anyone who believes they may be of use should contact the Gazette offices for further information. 'WEDDING OF MRS-RAW AND X_XGHOSTX_X ' By: Mikki On December 24, or Christmas Eve, at 2:27 AM Mrs Raw and Ghost had tied the knot! This is a wonderful and cherishing moment in mafia. Mrs-Raw is the sister of Mrs_Raw who had won second place in the Miss Mafia competition. I'm sure that her sister would be very proud to hear about this event. Hopefully, she's watching down on us. Let us all hope that Ghost and Mrs. Raw live a loving and wonderful life. Luck has already gone their way so far! This reporter purchased then a 7-day 6-night honeymoon suite to Hawaii! Eazy-E has given them each 100k! Looks like everything will hopefully work out in the future! There are no signs of any of them wanting any kids. Hopefully there will be! Please let everyone take time to visit and congratulate them. Mrs. Raw had gone through a lot with her sister, but she had also found the love of her life! I congratulate both of you and hope that you two stay together in peace forever! *Editor’s note: All at the Gazette wish the happy couple a long and happy life together, with particular congratulations from CarmelaDeAngelis. 'MISS MAFIA RESULTS ' By: Mikki Much anticipation has been going around mafia with the subject of the Miss Mafia competition. On December 22, 2005 TheReddeH crowned Miss Mafia and the Drag Queen. To start off with the results of the winner of the Drag Queen: There were only 9 competitors in the winning for being the best Drag Queen. Only 2 of them actually were going head to head. The ending result of the competition was a tie! Both Archbishop_Thong and BlueDiamond won! Both had 7 votes and won $150,000. Congratulations to them! Now, the end results for Miss Mafia. 26 women had signed up for the Miss Mafia competition. All the girls had to send in a biography and fight in a debate they found a winner! miss_burnout won fourth prize and $100,000 for all her efforts. Bite-it came in 3rd winning $250,000! Second place and $500,000 went to Mrs_Raw with 16 votes! Sadly, she had passed away shortly after the competition. And finally, first place went to Vanity! After her hard working debate, spectacular biography and a lot of campaigning she won 1 million dollars! Congratulations all the ladies who participated in the Miss Mafia competition! All of you are great and are winners! 'SUPPORT THE SOUP KITCHEN ' By: Constanzia_Corleone During the last week or so, it came to this reporter’s attention that someone had selflessly opened a free soup kitchen. StandardIssue took the time, effort, and cost turning an abandon building into a welcoming place where people may join together and enjoy a free meal. This alone is a wonderful effort to say the least, but the most surprising was watching ladies and gentlemen dressing in their finery pick up an apron and started to help wherever they were needed. After joining the group until long in the evening helping with serving, cleaning, and talking to those who had a look of despair deep in their eyes and attempting give them some words of hope. It was also suggested that this soup kitchen be expanded and open every evening to provide a least one hot meal a day. If you desire to assist with this project, please either step forward and give your help or support the project financially. As I have proclaimed before, assistance to those less fortunate should step forward and volunteer work or finding to help all year long, not just a holiday time. I leave it to you and your conscience. 'MORAN'S UNDERCOVER INVESTIGATIONS! ' Article by Mr. Moran Moran, a not so sneaky mole, has worked his way into the most easily accessible areas of the Mafia. His aim? To bring the truth to the public of the underhanded tactics of particular members of the public. His latest acclaimed investigation into Rabbit Industries saw the public humiliation of its leader, RabbitDomi. Mr. RabbitDomi has since been interviewed by some people in cool suits due to the information bought forward on the streets with his involvement in race rigging and, an exclusive to the Gazette, the latest information of his distribution of certain videos containing explicit acts performed by TieDomi on foreign objects. Word has spread of Moran's glue on moustache, able to fool absolutely anyone that he is indeed not what he appears to be. Moran is now being investigated by the FBI for falsely framing people, ranging from polio lacing slot machines to employing convicts to break into people's homes to plant recording devices. Seeing as that there is currently no conviction, Moran is totally innocent and everything that is claimed has not been found guilty, and should be viewed as being 100% true. Rumour has it that Mr. Moran, a former onion farmer, is currently investigating the abnormal disappearances of goat heards near the old Miguel farm, and possible links to the prostitution of "overly hairy" women. The Gazette however denies any accusations made by Mr. Moran on the muscling out of other papers. 'GAZETTE COMPETITION ' Following on from a generous donation to the newspaper, we would like to offer a prize of $100,000 to the winner of our latest contest. All you have to do is describe in 600 words or less what your family means to you. Please spell-check and grammar-check your entire submission, as these will be critical for the top places. Marks will be awarded for eloquence, style, and content (i.e. the story). Once you have written your story, please send it to CarmelaDeAngelis to be sent out to the judges of the competition for marking. Entries should be in no later than the 30th of December and the winners will be announced on New Year’s Day. 'GUIDANCE, WISDOM AND TRAUMA ' By Miguel Every issue, I will answer as many questions I can submitted by you, the reader. Please mobmail me with your question(s) as often as you’d like. By contributing to my column, you are contributing to the ever growing popularity of this fine newspaper. ********** Dear Miguel, Why does Jagermiester make me feel so damn happy? - Holy_Wench Dear Wench, Are you sure it's the Jagermiester that makes you feel happy and not the things I do to you after you've had too many? Signed, Miguel ********** Dear Miguel, I have an addition to eating vast quantities of oranges, and I am worried about Vitamin C poisoning. Is this a danger, or should I supplement my Vitamin C intake with daily intravenous injections and specially formulated eye drops? Respectfully yours, HeavyweightHammer Dear Hammer, As long as your pee isn't orange, my self-appointed medical expertise indicates that you should be fine. Now, I must get back to that hysterectomy patient I forgot in the back alley. Signed, Miguel ********** Miguel, If bears shit in the woods, how do they flush the chain? Gianfranco_Verzino Dear Gianfranco, I don't know what kind of fancy woods YOU go to, but the bush I used didn't have a chain. Signed, Miguel ********** 'DEAR VANITY ' Hey Buddy! Yes, I’m talking to you. Have you ever found yourself in a situation with your boss that you didn’t know how to handle? Have you ever stumbled across something so shocking you didn’t know what to do with it? Are you looking for new ways to approach that “special someone” you’ve been admiring from afar? Now there’s a solution.! Introducing DEAR VANITY The Mafia Gazette proudly presents personal advice from society hostess Vanity Flair. Anyone needing guidance can send their questions via MobMail to Vanity or directly to Vanity@mafia org. Confidentiality assured on items of personal nature. 'LETTERS PAGE ' Dear Carmela, Well since its almost my bedtime I thought I'd induldge you with a little bedtime story, alright? So here we go! Once upon a time there was a beautiful little girl who was new to these streets. And then there was some retard who could barely tie his shoes much less form an intelligent thought in his thick skull. Well this little girl was wandering down the street, and all the sudden she's getting shot at! Well what does she do? She hides, girlscout training and all that. Well she manages to call one of her mommy's old friends and they shoot the fucker. The little girl then skips on for tea and crumpets at a lovely bar. Moral of the story? Don't fucking shoot brand new people to these streets. You never fucking know who they are friends with. Then dont have your god damn offspring mail the person they shot for no reason and start insulting them, and if that's your big plan of action at least spell bitch correctly. Jesus, nothing pisses me off more than being insulted than being insulted with poor grammar and spelling at the same time. Well, theres my rant for the day. Not my best work, but I'm sure this week will get better. The Holidays are getting closer so I can only imagine the horror I'll have to deal with. Love always, Cooter J. Poo 'LETTER FROM THE EDITOR ' Dear Readers, I would first of all like to thank all those who have contributed to the Gazette so far this year. They have done a lot of hard work over the months and a lot of what you see in print is down to their efforts. I thank them all for everything they have done for me, the newspaper and for the community as a whole. I would also like to take this time and opportunity to wish all the readers a very Merry Christmas and a hope that the festive season brings joy and happiness to people as they go about in the community. It is a time to be with friends and loved ones, to share some special time together, laugh and converse with only peace and no animosity. We should take time out of our busy lives however to remember that there are some who are not so well off as us as we tuck into our large Christmas dinner. There are some for whom Christmas is a time of sadness with empty places at tables or empty homes with no one to share the festive joy of pulling a cracker with or telling a joke to. There are others who are sick and our thoughts should be with them as well at this time. My particular thoughts are for my family: my sister, whose birthday it is tomorrow, my ever loving parents who brought me up and educated me into what you see before you now, and particularly for my very dear friend Graceless. There are so many more people that should be mentioned here, but these are the most important ones to me. Others are in my thoughts and in my heart as I write this and they know who they are, and my readers are ever in my mind. These are all the people who make me who I am, make me proud and humble, educate me and learn from me, making every day different, funny, sometimes sad, often interesting, but most of all are my friends. Our friends are important and we should remember them every day, but this time of year is always particularly poignant as we look back over what we have done and give gifts of love to those we share our lives with. The year is now waning fast with only another week to go before we are ushering in the new. Will things be different in the New Year? I suppose for some life will go on as normal, and I know the Gazette will be continuing as often as I have articles enough to fill it. For others a new year means a new start, a time to do something different with their lives and to look at the world with fresh eyes. However you choose to go into it, do it wholeheartedly. Give your everything to your task and to the people around you. The rewards are worthwhile. With love and best wishes to you all at this time A very merry Christmas CarmelaDeAngelis-Giunta Mafia Gazette Editor 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Anyone wishing to place an ad should send it in to CarmelaDeAngelis at the Gazette Offices in Chicago. All ads are free, but must still fall within the set guidelines. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Who gave that horse a pint? - GothicAngel Following the success of ‘The Drunken Mule’ in Las Vegas the ‘Drinking Horse’ company has decided to expand. We have now got a new smaller yet just as friendly bar in Los Angeles called the ‘The Tipsy Mule’ Offering friendly company and a relaxing place to get away from the hustle and bustle of Mafia life. We sell a wide range of classic spirits, wines and beers. Including some things you may not of heard of, (we had some green stuff shipped over from the Black Rose in Dallas which even we have not heard off). Each bar is located near the racetrack, and gives a fine overlook of the finish line so you can watch to see if your horse comes in. There is also with a betting booth just to the side. So you can bet on the next race. So come enjoy meet some people have some friendly chat, a drink, and a bet on the old races on top. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) "Merry Christmas to all from EDD banking" Submitted by El_Don_Diablo 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Need help on the races? what the note falling out all over the place? if so then come on down to GroveST's House of bets where you can learn some skills to winning at the races. Mail GroveST for more information. 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC)Hice19 (talk) 02:48, February 15, 2013 (UTC) Moran's Fine Suits and Accessories! http://www.mafia.org/m2/comm-readpost.php?bar&id=17322 The LA Branch invites you to come in and look at our wide range of suits, purpose built for budding mobsters right through to citizens of the business quater. The suits are also able to be customised to suit your "excessively large and heavy" accessories. 'Anyone wishing to submit articles should do so by 10am Mafia time on the day of publications. Articles will be paid for on an individual basis. Please contact CarmelaDeAngelis, Editor of The Mafia Gazette, at the Gazette Offices, Chicago. All articles must conform to the guidelines available in the booklet “Newspaper Recruiting” available on the newsstand and will be paid for. Normal articles will receive $5,000 and outstanding items will receive $10,000. '